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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28889070">blood in the water.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/xtobefreex/pseuds/xtobefreex'>xtobefreex</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>like a fish out of water [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Persona 5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Akechi Goro Has A Palace, Depression, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, Persona 5 Spoilers, Post-November 20 Interrogation (Persona 5), Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 09:00:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,237</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28889070</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/xtobefreex/pseuds/xtobefreex</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <br/>
    <em>mama, didn’t i make you happy?</em>
    <br/>
    <em>wasn’t i supposed to be your hero?</em>
    <br/>
    <em>was i not good enough?</em>
    <br/>
    <em>mama, why did you lie to me?</em>
    <br/>
  </p>
</blockquote>He had always wanted to be his mother's hero.
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>like a fish out of water [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2118594</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>blood in the water.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Goro was seven years old, he was the first one to see his mother’s body.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="Fade4"> <em> redredred water spilling over the tub </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade4"> <em> why was mama not responding? </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade4"> <em> (mama, the water is still running, are you okay?) </em> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>The sight had never left him even after 11 years, etching itself into the deepest parts of his mind, torturing him in every waking moment. Everywhere he turned, he could see his mother in the smallest of things.</p><p>Looking into the mirror was always hard.</p><p>He had his mother’s face, after all.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="Fade4"> <em> mama, didn’t i make you happy? </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade4"> <em> wasn’t i supposed to be your hero? </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade4"> <em> was i not good enough? </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade4"> <em> mama, why did you lie to me? </em> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>(Looking into the mirror may have been hard, but Goro turned his looks into one of his greatest weapons, honing it to perfection.)</p><p>(He was truly his mother’s son, wasn’t he?)</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="Fade5"> <em> mama, aren’t you proud of me? </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade5"> <em> i’m just like you, mama. </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade5"> <em> (i know how to lie too.) </em> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>When Goro was 15 years old, he was taken in by Isshiki Wakaba in a study over cognitive pscience as per request by his father.</p><p>(<em>Father</em>. God, what an awful thing to say, wasn’t it? The thought of being <em> his </em> son, of being his flesh and blood, made him want to tear himself apart and screamscreamscreamscream until his throat was torn and bleeding. He didn’t <em> want </em>to be this horrid man’s son, he never wanted to associate with him in the first place, but he had to— he had to for his mama.) </p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="Fade6"> <em> wakaba-sensei is nice enough, she reminds me of you a little bit. </em> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>He wasn’t fond of Isshiki Wakaba.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="Fade6"> <em> she has a daughter that doesn’t have a father too, didn’t you know?  </em> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>She was too much like his mama. </p><p>Sometimes it hurt to look at her, but the woman brought him pain in other ways, too.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="Fade6"> <em> the pricking and prodding hurts, mama. </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade6"> <em> the only thing that i don’t like about wakaba-sensei is that sometimes she asks me to do things that i don’t want to do. </em> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>Goro blamed her for almost everything that followed.</p><p>He was never supposed to awaken Loki, the parasite in his mind that took all of his hatehatehate and made it something <em>stronger</em>; it beckoned that part of him that he had hidden away, baying for that man’s blood…</p><p>(But that didn’t mean that he wanted Isshiki Wakaba dead.)</p><p>Goro didn’t want to hurt her, he didn’t want to hurt anybody other than that man—</p><p>And yet he continued to hurt people, he continued to be that man’s—his <em> father’s </em>—tool, all for the sake of his mother.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mama, what should I do? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Does this make me a bad person, Mama?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="Fade7"> <em> mama, sometimes it hurts to think about you. </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade7"> <em> sometimes i wish i could forget you; </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade7"> <em> i’m sorry, mama. </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade7"> <em> please don’t be mad at me. </em> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>He could hear the echoes of Mama’s laughter at times, a mockery of the few fond memories that he had of her, when he thought about following her example.</p><p><em> Oh Goro, </em> he could hear her say, <em> what have you done?</em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mama, I’m doing all of this for you, can’t you see? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> ...and maybe for myself, too. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I’m sorry that I’ve been selfish.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>(Mama never said anything back to him, and he wondered if she knew that he was lying to both of them. He couldn’t afford to be sorry, not after being at that man’s beck and call for two years.)</p><p>Everything was fine, everything was going as he had planned (<em> everythingeverythingeverything, </em> he planned that he was going to be a murderer, he planned that he was going to orphan a little girl, he planned to hurt or kill every one of his victims, <em> heplanneditheplanneditHEFUCKINGPLANNEDIT— </em>).</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="Fade8"> <em> i’m sorry, mama. </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade8"> <em> i’m sorry you gave birth to a monster. </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade8"> <em> (i didn’t mean to be one.) </em> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>Goro Akechi was popular.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mama, people don’t look down on me anymore. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Isn’t this what you wanted?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Goro Akechi wasn’t the orphan that got kicked around and spit on for being a whore’s child, not anymore.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> (It’s almost like they’ve forgotten about you completely, Mama. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But I won’t ever forget about you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I’ve sacrificed too much to do that to you.)</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="Fade8"> <em> hey mama, </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade8"> <em> i just wanted to say that</em></span>
  <em>
    <span class="Fade9"> i love you. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>But things started to change when Ren Amamiya came into the picture.</p><p>(He hated Ren Amamiya for ruining him.) </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mama, I’m sorry that I’m not perfect.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ren Amamiya was an anomaly, drawing Goro closer with every day that passed. He didn’t like it. It made him uncomfortable, wrongwrongwrongwrong, but he couldn’t help but want<em> more</em>.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It’s all his fault, Mama. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I wanted to be normal. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I wanted to be the man that you would have been proud of.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="Fade9"> <em> mama, what’s wrong with people? </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade9"> <em> why can’t two boys be in love? </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade9"> <em> i don’t like it when the other kids call me names. </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade9"> <em> i don’t like those names, mama. </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade9"> <em> (i wish you were here.)</em></span>
</p><p> </p><p>The goal that he had sacrificed everything for was slowly crumbling apart, and it was all because of <em> him</em>. (<em>Him</em>, the boy with messy hair with gunmetal eyes, the boy who he could open up about nearly everything, the boy who he saw as his equal, <em> himhimhimRenRenRen </em>—)</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mama, I’m close to getting justice for you. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="Fade9"> <em> mama, i don’t think i’m going to live for much longer. </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade9"> <em> i’m scared to die. </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade9"> <em> but i miss you so much. </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade10"> <em> when i die, will i go to where you are?</em></span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I’ll make that man pay for what he’s done to you, Mama. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I hope you’re proud of me.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He hated feeling this way. </p><p>He hated how Ren could just ask to hang out with him and Goro would clear his schedule for the day without question, he hated how his heart would flutter whenever the other boy would laugh, he hated every little thing about Ren that made his traitorous heart respond this way.</p><p>(With every flutter that his heart made and longing sigh that would slip past his lips when he’d find himself thinking of Ren, the more he could feel that hatred grow. It made him want to claw his heart out of his chest and lock it away inside a gun safe so he wouldn’t have to feel it ever again.)</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="Fade10"> <em> mama, what does love feel like? </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade10"> <em> is it supposed to hurt?</em></span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> When I think about how you died, my chest hurts, Mama. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> When I think about how I’m going to have to kill him, it feels the same way. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> What should I do, Mama? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> What will make the pain go away?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He had to kill Ren. (He had to, there was no other choice.)</p><p><em> There’s no other choice</em>, he told himself, watching as the boy that he <strike> had lo </strike> — <strike> had grown fond </strike> — became <em> friends </em> with slump over with a loud thump, blood sliding down his face and onto the table.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="Fade10"><em>mama, i think i’ve done a very bad thing. </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade10"> <em> does that boy know</em></span>
  <em>
    <span class="Fade11"> that i’m sorry?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“There was no other choice,” he said out loud in the empty room, golden eyes slipping shut as tears ran down his cheeks. </p><p>Mirrors surrounded him in his own personal Hell, the faces of Ren and his mother and the people that he had hurt staring back at him, looking at him with judgement in their eyes.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="Fade11"> <em> mama— </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade11"> <em> ren— </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade11"> <em> do you know that i’m sorry? </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="Fade11"> <em> i never meant to hurt you.</em></span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mama, tell me: </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Was this justice worth it? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> (...I don’t think so.) </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>You can follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/x_tobefree_x">my twitter</a> for updates but please keep in mind that it's an 18+ account with 18+ content. </p><p>Ethereal will have its first chapter up at either the end of this month or at the beginning of next month.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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